Equilibrium

“To what end, he wondered, had the Divine created the stars in heaven to fill a man with feelings of inspiration one day and insignificance the next?” ~A Gentleman in Moscow, Amor Towles.

I come from a modest background. My family made its way up the long and hard way, without having any ancestral wealth or support. Growing up, we were often found asking ourselves if our purchases were needs or wants, and readjusting our desires based on the answer to that question.
So every milestone we hit along this growth path was met with a sense of extreme gratitude and deep humility. Buying a car was a BIG deal for us as a family, and spending thousands of rupees for a fancy dish at a fancy restaurant still gives my mother the jitters!
But of course, a lot has also changed since, and my brother and I have been in great jobs – doing well for ourselves and our families. The need vs want debate still runs in my head, but has now balanced itself substantially and I do allow myself on more occasions than one to indulge in a spate of online shopping scenes and surrender to the bait of this capitalistic world.

So in spite of all the privilege I crown over my head, I am still flummoxed when I hear of (and see, of course!) a certain family spending 1,200 crores (= USD 150 million) on a pre-wedding celebration; or a certain billionaire defaulting a loan of 8,000 crores (=sorry, I lost myself trying to find the USD equivalent but you can guess the billions based on the calculation above). What is all this money and where is it coming from and why do we not have it, I think to myself… with zero audacity to even count the number of zeroes in these numbers. I have often thought about how magnanimously powerful these people are and sometimes hopelessly wondered – how 0.05% of their wealth would also sort me me for life! If you want to feel terribly insignificant in life, then try running some of these inane calculations and feel yourself sink into a deep abyss of helplessness and, well, reality.

But, of course, the idea of disparity is often accompanied by the concept of relativity – one that I have learnt in abundance, over the last few years. The realisation struck me rather starkly when my house-help saw me discard a couple of amazon delivery boxes, and sheepishly requested me to find a ‘sasta’ (=inexpensive) buddha idol because she loved the one we had and wanted something similar to maintain the positive energy in her house.
It got me thinking in this epiphanic moment, does didi (=elder sister; frequently used as an informal and respectful way to address someone older than yourself) think of me in the same way I think of these billionaires above? Does she also feel this inequality and power shift when she sees me and speaks with me? Hell yes – and probably many times more!
What is this chasm, I wonder… and yet, the chasm isn’t deeper than when my cab driver politely requests to play music in the cab to keep him awake after a night shift; or a Swiggy delivery person going out of their way to request a 5 star rating; or a cook desperately requesting for a month’s advance salary to be able to move houses; or a grocery boy fearfully requesting me to call him directly if there is a problem with the order, instead of raising a complaint; or a gardener working three jobs to earn enough to make ends meet.
What is this dimension, I wonder. What is this life and what is this power and what is even the meaning of equilibrium? All the concepts of reality and helplessness I mentioned above and quickly thawing even as I come to this realisation. Will I ever be able to comprehend these emotions the way they do? Will I ever be able to understand the value of my choices the way they do? Will I be able to understand them and the choices they make?

And before my mind starts to speak philosophy, I find myself thinking – why look at the stars to feel inspired or insignificant? Maybe we should just look around ourselves.

Thoughts

Hi there! It’s been the longest time since I wrote.. I know, and it doesn’t make me feel good!
But here I am, after all this while, randomly penning typing my thoughts down 🙂

Well, for starters, it’s been a very hectic 3 months for me. The CA journey doesn’t end after passing the final exam. It begins after the result, I’d say!
The post-result period not only invoked celebrations, but also plenty of self-talk, analysis and career planning. Trust me, it’s one of the more difficult tasks in life. It takes a lot to be honest to oneself and a lot more to have the courage to actually do what one likes!
So here I am, finally free (at least for now :p) from all the what-do-I-do-with-my-life muddle, having slightly more perspective about how I want my life to be 🙂
So I have got myself a fairly decent job (bye bye broke days) and now the ‘adult-feeling’ is finally sinking in – bills, payments, investments and what not! Work does keep me very busy most of the time, and hence, the no writing bit. But that is going to change for good 🙂

What urged me to write today, was a random chain of thoughts about how we take everything for granted and choose to be unhappy!
It all started with this status message that a friend posted on Facebook:
“I can’t believe that the last time we had Maggi was the LAST time we had Maggi!”
As absurd as it may sound, it actually got me thinking! Don’t we do this every time? Yes, I laughed..but this was some serious stuff! Do you know if the last time YOU met someone was actually the LAST time you met them? Or if the last time you went to some place was your LAST there? Or whether the last time you did something was indeed the LAST time you did that?? Sounds freaky.
It made me realise how I take so many things for granted! I take my family, friends and all my comforts for granted!
I crib about my job and work hours..but there are so many people out there who are waiting to get a job, but can’t find one! I do argue with my folks and get angry with them over the smallest thing. But then, how lucky am I to have such a beautiful family! To have people I can go back to, at the end of the day..to have people who’ll always have my back..to have people who love me unconditionally, and to whom I must choose to return this love 🙂
It got me thinking..that maybe when Steve Jobs said that we must live each day as if it’s our last, he didn’t really mean that we should be irrational. But rather, that we appreciate everything that we have and be grateful for all of it! To love everyone and treat everyone well..for we never know if it is indeed our LAST time with them. Maybe when we regret, it’s not really about things that we did not do. I guess it’s more about all the things that we have done, without knowing that it was our LAST chance and that we can do nothing to change it ever again!

Phew! That was some heavy thinking. But I feel happy at the end of it – I wrote!
I don’t know if I expressed myself well enough, but I tried!

This much for now.. But until next time, (choose to) be happy! 🙂

Sleep!

 

Every day, hour after hour
you travel, you pray, you eat, you talk, you study, you work.
But sometime, take the time
and sleep…because
that is when you meet yourself
you meet the real you..
No false promises, no fake smiles, no pretense
no worries about how you’re dressed
or if your shoes match.
sleep…because
that is the window to your soul
and you know
who you are and what you want.

 

And I think you should sleep…because
that is when your thoughts come alive
your thoughts and feelings, yes the very ones that you had buried
deep, deep inside the darkest corner of your heart.
Sleep…because
suddenly, your life has meaning
you are in your truest form
unconscious, but yet so full of awareness
and your body,
it thanks you for the love and the peace.

 

Sleep…because
that is when you dream from your heart
you dream every dream
no you don’t analyse how it is
big or small, meaningful or meaningless, happy or not
you just dream
because every dream is in its purest form
Sleep…because
it gives you the courage you always lacked
and you dream
and you hope for your dreams to come true
if not all, then at least one.

 

Sleep…because
it stops your head from racing
temporary, but it is rare
it gives you the solace you sometimes crave
Sleep…because
it teaches you
that after every night,
there will always be another day.
Live  in the present, 
for just like your dreams,
the past, no matter how good or bad,
you will always forget.

…and he ran away

He ran as fast he could
So fast, that he’d begin to fly anytime.
The swiftness of his movement convinced me
that there would be no looking back.

He ran, as if to prove me wrong
I had taken him for granted long enough
He ran, to show me that he could
I hadn’t bothered about him all this while.

As he ran, I felt uneasy
Was he really going away?
What would I do now..
There was so much to do..so much to say.

I remembered how everyone said I was being naive
I thought..I thought, he’d stay
I felt like crying, but that was all I could do now
For he was long gone.

He had given me chance after chance
to mend my ways
Night and day had passed
and he had warned me that he would soon run away.

I looked at him eagerly
Expecting him to wait
I gazed ahead hopefully
Waiting for him to turn and return.

I felt guilty for not respecting him
while he was there
I felt alone..
Now I had to pave a new way. 

Had I listened to him a little more
Would he have stayed today?
Had I done what I should have
I might have not had to face this day.

I could only see the road that I had left behind
He ran to blur the road ahead
He had promised that I would be sorry
And then he ran way.

As I stand on the threshold of  a new life that awaits me outside college, I cannot help but feel emotional. To be honest, the feeling of college having ended hadn’t yet sunk into me until toady.
Gripped with nostalgia, I cannot help but look at the five years that passed so quickly. The memories will remain etched in my heart forever.
I feel a sense of nothingness. I feel guilty. I feel bad.
There were times when I’d happily declare how many lectures I had bunked in a day. But now I realize, that I won’t have lectures to attend at all..on any day! It suddenly strikes me, that nobody will give me a free lecture..ever again. Proxies, attendance, canteen and punishments will only be a thing of the past.
I wonder why I didn’t do all the things that I should have. I wonder why I didn’t realize that I’d regret that last day.
But Time had seen this coming. Time reminded me day by day. Time had given me chance after chance.
But eventually, even as I stood waiting for him, Time did run away.

Smile, have a good day!

So, when was the last time you thoroughly enjoyed yourself, or laughed, or smiled?
Does our daily schedule leave us with no time to feel good about ourselves? Is our life so hectic, that we don’t even remember what it is to smile?
Come on..nudge yourself! When was the last time you smiled?

Do you smile a cheeky smile when you realize that you’ve overslept, and will now have to run out of home or walk that extra mile?

When have you read the newspaper..and smiled because you realized that there was nothing worth the read?

Do you try to smell the morning breeze..the dew, the trees, the leaves and sun..and hug nature with a smile?

How many times have you tripped on that stone that you promised you wouldn’t oversee, but still smiled to yourself because it tricked you once again?

Of late, have you looked into the mirror and smiled, because you thought you looked great?

Have you missed a bus or a train and still smiled to yourself, just because you let all the bad luck drain?

You pass your school and college. Do those memories come flashing by and make you smile? 

The street kid at the signal you always pass..maybe he’s waiting for you to high five him someday..and wave off with a smile!

When the little boy down the lane wishes you a good morning, do you greet him back with a smile?

A nice memory come flooding into your head in the train. Did you smile to yourself without any apprehension of how (silly) others may think you are?

As juvenile as it may sound..when your crush passes by, do you do as little as, blush with a smile? 😉

Or did you indulge yourself at the coffee shop with your favourite drink and some yummy cookies..and did you smile after spending with yourself, some quality time?

Have you fought with your family or a friend, and yet had the courage to walk up to them, apologize and make up with a smile?

Or have you had to overtime..but still smiled to yourself..just because you had nothing better to do?

You meet your favourite people and aimlessly pass some of your precious time. Do you *still* smile and appreciate yourself for letting out that inner child?

The mother has cooked the food of your choice at home, after a long and tiring day at work. Do you feel happy and thank her with a smile?

How many times have you smiled innocently to your strict teacher or the grumpy boss and made him feel awful for being mean to you? 😛

Every day, every moment..we have so many opportunities to smile!
Maybe, the world won’t be that boring a place if all just got up and smiled! So smile, and have a good day 😉

Photo credits: http://www.mixedplateblog.com and random google finds.

Life and Death

The tired eyes looked around
Hatred and darkness was all they found
To be alive again, was his only cry
Was it that difficult a task for God, he’d always sigh

“You can stay here or get back your life;
But be wise, for your decision can end in strife
The world is here for you to see with your eyes
Be careful, for what you see may be less of truth and more of lies”

The tiny eyes looked around expectantly with a spark
Had the world lost its light? Or was it really so dark?
What made the man kill another man?
Had they forgotten each other while each for his ambition ran?

Crumbling was the relationship between mother and child
Here was a world where nobody was nice and no one kind
All he could see was battle scars
Everything was mine, nothing was ours

The weary eyes still looked about
In case a deed of goodness, they could manage to spot
A choice they had to make on that night
But all they could see, was dejection and fright

There was an option, there was a choice
But deep down inside, he heard that one voice
“Do not pity the dead, pity the living”, was all He said
“Do you wish to live a life that you already dread?”

This is a poem I wrote for The Rotaract Club Of NM College (RCNM’s) October bulletin – And So They Said..
The theme of the poem is based on the quote – “Do not pity the dead, pity the living”, from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
I hope you liked it!

Photo credits : http://www.mallady.wordpress.com

The mask.

 

He wears a mask everyday
The mask has now become a part of his face

Meticulously, he plans which one will fit in when and where
The mask is his sole respite and yet, his only friend

The mask knows whether to be happy and when to be sad
It knows just when to be good and when to lay a trap

The mask conceals his feelings and covers his flaws
Doesn’t it make him look perfect? More than he can ever be?

He says that his mask is only for others, only a comrade
What he cannot see is that the mask has made him forget himself.

Woh choti choti baatein…

Baarish nahi aayi toh hum rote hai
lekin us baarish mein bheegne jaate nahi.
Facebook pe chat kiya karte hai,
lekin doston ko milne jaate nahi.

Gaane suna karte hai
lekin unko kabhi gungunate nahi
Gale bhi hum lagte hai
lekin pyaar karna humko aata nahi

Yun hi has diya karte hai hum
lekin khushi ka ehsaas hum karte nahi
Aasman ko chhoone ki baatein karte hai
lekin khule aasman ko kabhi dekha bhi nahi

Waise toh baatein kiya karte hai,
lekin khul ke hum muskurate nahi.
Marna nahi chahte hai hum,
lekin is zindagi ko jeena humko aata nahi.

Stop. Feel. Live.

I must agree that the last few weeks have taken a toll on me. Sleepless nights, project completions, burning deadlines, presentations, exams and life in general.
I am assuming that is a common man’s definition of being ‘stressed’.

So yesterday, I was all sleepy and slow, and I realized how fast everyone else was. Everyday!
Maybe I took a couple of seconds more to get the cash out of my wallet to pay the rickshaw-waala when I saw him make a face. I was waiting at station, waiting for my train to arrive and I couldn’t help noticing all those passing by. Someone was busy shouting over the phone, someone engaged in an animated conversation with a friend, someone listening to music and rushing to climb the bridge, hordes of people climbing down the bridge, numerous passengers walking in to station and so many people walking out. So many people, so many lives. Yet none of them bothered to look up. Neither of them saw the trains or each other. Each of them just looked down and walked. Rushed, to live their busy lives.

Ah! I was a little slower than the rest as far boarding the train was concerned. But I bet I felt someone push me in. Maybe I was a bit slow in getting off, but that was enough for the ladies behind to push me and make their way out fast! Time was indeed precious, wasn’t it? And here I always wondered what difference a couple of seconds would make to anyone’s life.

It was yesterday that I really thought about how our city is often addressed as the city that never sleeps. Well, maybe it doesn’t breathe either!
Given a chance, our idea of the best birthday gift would be an off from work, to constantly pray to God to give us longer days & shorter nights and to hope against hope that we’ll be robotic enough and never miss our daily train!

Conclusion:

We’re all in a hurry. All the time. We rush to sleep late at night, hurry once we wake up, run to college, then rush to office, then finish our work in haste and then we try and rush out of office as fast as we can, run to catch the train to be able to reach home on time, hurry to the best seat in the bus so that we can read that book we’ve wanted to read all day long, rush through dinner because we want to complete our assignments, hurry with the assignments because we want to watch that favorite TV show and then rush to sleep again because we have to haste through another long day!

Moreover, I think  we’ve become so used to the rush, the haste and the hurry that we don’t even mind missing out on some of the most intricate and beautiful moments of life. Moments that will never come back to us again. Moments, that we will only wish we had lived a little longer. Moments that we will wish we had lived at all.

Maybe we need to stop worrying about when we’ll reach office or when we’ll leave. We need to stop thinking about the long day that awaits us or the pending work.
Maybe we just need to cherish all the little joys that we so easily overlook. Maybe we need to just live life as it comes. It’s OK to miss a train or two sometimes, isn’t it? It’s OK to bunk work and go for a movie instead.
Maybe we just need to do what we FEEL like. Maybe we need to spend some time figuring ourselves out and not the train schedules. Maybe we just need to stop, feel and live.

PS : This was just a random thought. I felt like penning it down. So I did!

PPS : I plan to follow this post with a poem (which is currently half written.) I felt the poem would make a lot more sense after reading this post. Hoping to finish writing it soon and I hope you liked this post!

Celebrating imperfections.. Celebrating happiness!!

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of travelling.
–  Margaret Lee Runbeck

All of us want to be happy don’t we?

Every person has a different meaning and a different understanding of happiness.

While some may relate happiness to the feeling of elation on securing the first rank in an exam or winning a race, some might believe a happy life to be one without any problems or ups & downs.
Many say that they will be happy when they achieve their goals – impress the boss or get that promotion or bag that new project.

But does it mean that we can be happy only when get something that we’ve always wanted or achieve success? Does it mean that we have to work towards being happy? Does it mean that we can be happy only on the happening of a certain event in our life? Does it mean that we aren’t happy already? Or does it it mean that we haven’t been happy all along?

It’s funny how we manage to associate such an intimate and lovely emotion with the happening or non happening of events that don’t even matter!
We always remember to fret about the things we don’t have and be unhappy about the most trivial matters – missing a bus, that tiny freckle on the face, being shouted at by your boss or being stuck in traffic for a little longer than usual. But how many times have really appreciated what we’ve got? How many times have we looked up and thanked that Someone sitting up in the sky for the amazing day that we’ve had? Or how many times have we simply thanked Him for giving us the beautiful life that we have..something that so many others haven’t been lucky to get?!

I believe that happiness comes from within us. We don’t need a reason to be happy! Aren’t we happy already? We may not be perfect..we might not be the best..we might not be flawless..but we can be happy, right?

I find myself always walking alone
To be happy, I had never known.
I always wondered if I was as good as everyone said
Why was I of opinions always scared?

I’d always envy my friend who had more shoes
Why don’t I have as many, I’d always muse.
I had always expected God with me to cheat
Until I saw that man on the street, without any feet.

I’d complain of wearing specs to be a pain
I’d view the ugly object with disregard and disdain.
Until I saw the child without an eye
Who could only feel the drops of rain falling from the sky.

I’d wished to live in a bigger space
I’d wished to have a prettier face.
Until I saw the woman with her face so scarred
Her little abode the fire had charred.

I feel bad about not winning that prize
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to from the ashes rise.
Until I see the young man losing his battle for life
With nothing left, but only a crying wife.

But now, every morning I wake up and smile
And thank God for this beautiful life.
The journey of life I walk, mile after mile
Why! There’s so much joy, so little strife.

 

 

 

Well, isn’t it rightly said that its the journey that matters more than the goal?
Wouldn’t life be much better if we learnt to celebrate all our imperfections and be happy and uncontrolled?

 

 

Love your life. Love yourself for what you are. You are special. Be happy! 🙂

 

 

(Photo credits : Images from a random google search )