Equilibrium

“To what end, he wondered, had the Divine created the stars in heaven to fill a man with feelings of inspiration one day and insignificance the next?” ~A Gentleman in Moscow, Amor Towles.

I come from a modest background. My family made its way up the long and hard way, without having any ancestral wealth or support. Growing up, we were often found asking ourselves if our purchases were needs or wants, and readjusting our desires based on the answer to that question.
So every milestone we hit along this growth path was met with a sense of extreme gratitude and deep humility. Buying a car was a BIG deal for us as a family, and spending thousands of rupees for a fancy dish at a fancy restaurant still gives my mother the jitters!
But of course, a lot has also changed since, and my brother and I have been in great jobs – doing well for ourselves and our families. The need vs want debate still runs in my head, but has now balanced itself substantially and I do allow myself on more occasions than one to indulge in a spate of online shopping scenes and surrender to the bait of this capitalistic world.

So in spite of all the privilege I crown over my head, I am still flummoxed when I hear of (and see, of course!) a certain family spending 1,200 crores (= USD 150 million) on a pre-wedding celebration; or a certain billionaire defaulting a loan of 8,000 crores (=sorry, I lost myself trying to find the USD equivalent but you can guess the billions based on the calculation above). What is all this money and where is it coming from and why do we not have it, I think to myself… with zero audacity to even count the number of zeroes in these numbers. I have often thought about how magnanimously powerful these people are and sometimes hopelessly wondered – how 0.05% of their wealth would also sort me me for life! If you want to feel terribly insignificant in life, then try running some of these inane calculations and feel yourself sink into a deep abyss of helplessness and, well, reality.

But, of course, the idea of disparity is often accompanied by the concept of relativity – one that I have learnt in abundance, over the last few years. The realisation struck me rather starkly when my house-help saw me discard a couple of amazon delivery boxes, and sheepishly requested me to find a ‘sasta’ (=inexpensive) buddha idol because she loved the one we had and wanted something similar to maintain the positive energy in her house.
It got me thinking in this epiphanic moment, does didi (=elder sister; frequently used as an informal and respectful way to address someone older than yourself) think of me in the same way I think of these billionaires above? Does she also feel this inequality and power shift when she sees me and speaks with me? Hell yes – and probably many times more!
What is this chasm, I wonder… and yet, the chasm isn’t deeper than when my cab driver politely requests to play music in the cab to keep him awake after a night shift; or a Swiggy delivery person going out of their way to request a 5 star rating; or a cook desperately requesting for a month’s advance salary to be able to move houses; or a grocery boy fearfully requesting me to call him directly if there is a problem with the order, instead of raising a complaint; or a gardener working three jobs to earn enough to make ends meet.
What is this dimension, I wonder. What is this life and what is this power and what is even the meaning of equilibrium? All the concepts of reality and helplessness I mentioned above and quickly thawing even as I come to this realisation. Will I ever be able to comprehend these emotions the way they do? Will I ever be able to understand the value of my choices the way they do? Will I be able to understand them and the choices they make?

And before my mind starts to speak philosophy, I find myself thinking – why look at the stars to feel inspired or insignificant? Maybe we should just look around ourselves.

Little Things

And I wish we were together somewhere
cooped in a small cafe maybe
Immersed in conversation… as time trickles away
Or maybe at home… soaked in the aroma of coffee
and each other
savouring it in the comfort of silence
as we watch the sky turn from blue to grey

And even as the summer is now a haze
I am waiting to make plans with you…
lunch, dinner, movie or a play
To make warm memories in our hearts
those that will never glaze
Or maybe simply snuggle inside our blanket
the TV screen holding our gaze
As you watch me steal popcorn from your tub
and still let me get away

And the sound of rain whipping against the earth
makes me want to go running outside with you
dripping from head to toe…
not only in water, but all joy and mirth
Or maybe just cozy up indoor instead…
humming our favourite songs and sniffing into
the steaming soup
secretly praying for time to go slow

And even though we are miles apart
distant in measure, but not in heart
Weaving hopes and dreams with dainty strings
and building castles out of empty cans
And even though we have made our bucket lists and glorious plans
Is it ok if I want just the little things?

Distance

It is a relaxed Saturday evening, just the way it should be. With pretty much nothing to do, but recuperate from the effects of a long and tiring week, I wait to hear from my brother who is out on a holiday. Even as I wait for him to text me of his whereabouts, I find my fingers slipping on to the Facebook app on my mobile phone and even before I know it, I am browsing through my brother’s profile on Facebook.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I feel an inexplicable urge to know more about his college life. I want to see the posts that he has been sharing. I find myself wanting to know who his new friends are. I want to read all the comments on his posts to see what his friends talk about. I find myself eagerly running through his timeline – wanting to read about events scheduled to happen at his college.. or maybe about something funny that happened during a lecture that are all joking about..or some mention about something that they’re all looking forward to. I continue to browse further, with lighted eyes, hopeful of finding a photo or two of him with friends. I can sense myself trying to look for indications that he is indeed having a good time away from home.

I find myself yearning to know how he spends his time there – Which part of the campus is he staying on, what his new room looks like, how many more dogs has he petted in his campus, who are these new friends whose names keep appearing on his timeline – and suddenly I am flooded with a strange emotion. How does he feel about all of us back home? I want to know if he feels homesick sometimes…or at all. I am also trying to look for ways to confirm that misses our ‘ghar ka khaana’ 🙂

It’s funny how just a Facebook profile can invoke so many thoughts inside my head. Until a few years back, every time I saw my friends get too emotional while seeing off their siblings, I couldn’t really understand what the fuss was about. But I did find myself weeping away after seeing my brother off at his hostel for the first time. So I guess I do have a fair amount of clarity about what a big deal it is to part ways with your sibling just when you’re beginning to develop a bond with him and getting to know him better.

Even as I finish with my endevour to try and keep updated with all the happenings in his life, I realise that distance does make the heart grow fonder… and Facebook helps me confirm that 🙂

Thoughts

Hi there! It’s been the longest time since I wrote.. I know, and it doesn’t make me feel good!
But here I am, after all this while, randomly penning typing my thoughts down 🙂

Well, for starters, it’s been a very hectic 3 months for me. The CA journey doesn’t end after passing the final exam. It begins after the result, I’d say!
The post-result period not only invoked celebrations, but also plenty of self-talk, analysis and career planning. Trust me, it’s one of the more difficult tasks in life. It takes a lot to be honest to oneself and a lot more to have the courage to actually do what one likes!
So here I am, finally free (at least for now :p) from all the what-do-I-do-with-my-life muddle, having slightly more perspective about how I want my life to be 🙂
So I have got myself a fairly decent job (bye bye broke days) and now the ‘adult-feeling’ is finally sinking in – bills, payments, investments and what not! Work does keep me very busy most of the time, and hence, the no writing bit. But that is going to change for good 🙂

What urged me to write today, was a random chain of thoughts about how we take everything for granted and choose to be unhappy!
It all started with this status message that a friend posted on Facebook:
“I can’t believe that the last time we had Maggi was the LAST time we had Maggi!”
As absurd as it may sound, it actually got me thinking! Don’t we do this every time? Yes, I laughed..but this was some serious stuff! Do you know if the last time YOU met someone was actually the LAST time you met them? Or if the last time you went to some place was your LAST there? Or whether the last time you did something was indeed the LAST time you did that?? Sounds freaky.
It made me realise how I take so many things for granted! I take my family, friends and all my comforts for granted!
I crib about my job and work hours..but there are so many people out there who are waiting to get a job, but can’t find one! I do argue with my folks and get angry with them over the smallest thing. But then, how lucky am I to have such a beautiful family! To have people I can go back to, at the end of the day..to have people who’ll always have my back..to have people who love me unconditionally, and to whom I must choose to return this love 🙂
It got me thinking..that maybe when Steve Jobs said that we must live each day as if it’s our last, he didn’t really mean that we should be irrational. But rather, that we appreciate everything that we have and be grateful for all of it! To love everyone and treat everyone well..for we never know if it is indeed our LAST time with them. Maybe when we regret, it’s not really about things that we did not do. I guess it’s more about all the things that we have done, without knowing that it was our LAST chance and that we can do nothing to change it ever again!

Phew! That was some heavy thinking. But I feel happy at the end of it – I wrote!
I don’t know if I expressed myself well enough, but I tried!

This much for now.. But until next time, (choose to) be happy! 🙂

The Dance

The stars were her audience
and the moon was her light
The sky looked over, even as it
changed from day into night.

The river’s song was
her favourite tune
The wind came alive
to watch her swoon.

The mountains stood up, in
notice of her perfect swerve
With the movement of her feet
the earth made love.

Across the greenest meadows, she
flitted with flair
The tallest of trees bent to protect her
with all their care.

With the honesty of her every move
the flowers bloomed
Even the birds woke up, to find themselves
in her grace consumed.

She moved swiftly, rhythmically
drawing circles in the air
And finally stopped to breathe
as she finished her prayer.

Even in the silence of the night
she heard the elements break into an applause
Truly in that moment, for her
time had paused.

In that moment, she was engulfed
with joy so immense, that it set her free
Because this time she had danced
only for herself and not for others to see.

Lost my heart in Himachal Pradesh!

This gallery contains 40 photos.

Caution: Long blog post ahead! Well, travel is an enriching experience. For me, travel is meditation. It is the best kind of therapy. Travel is not about going away from home. It is about making another one! Which is why, I consider myself fortunate to have had the opportunity to travel to the mystic land […]

Santa on Wheels!

This gallery contains 4 photos.

“Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others.” – Barbara Bush This year, I had been waiting for Santa on Wheels (SoW) since October. Having missed it in all the previous years, I just knew for a fact […]

Alive and kicking! :D

Hello All!

I know I have been terribly late with this blog update.
I know I haven’t filled this space in the longest time (The blog archive speaks for itself).
I know I have had this writer’s block. Again.

It has been very disappointing for me, too…not writing and all.
So here I am, filling you in with all the happenings of the last two months and letting you know that I *am* very much alive, and kicking! 😉

So while I was combating the writer’s block, there was another form of creativity that I (re)ventured into – Art.
Having not touched a paint-brush or crayons or paints for almost six years now, taking to art was a welcome change!
I could feel the creativity inside me and even after all this while and it just made me so happy to get back to doing something that I always loved back in my school days!

I ain’t no photographer (which means the photos are unedited and badly clicked), but here are a few photos of what I managed to do during the last few days! Dekko Dekko!

 

My first work, after six long years 🙂

 

 

A mug and a marker is all you need!

 

 

And finally…diwali cards and goodies!

 

 

So maybe you should try getting back to doing something that you really loved, once upon a time? A few years back, or maybe when you were a kid? Cooking, sewing, playing a sport that you no longer play, photography, feeding stray animals…just about anything!
Because when you do that, the flow of creativity will be unhindered…and the happiness that you feel will be real! 🙂

 

Creatively, until next time (which will be soon!)
Kalindi

Sleep!

 

Every day, hour after hour
you travel, you pray, you eat, you talk, you study, you work.
But sometime, take the time
and sleep…because
that is when you meet yourself
you meet the real you..
No false promises, no fake smiles, no pretense
no worries about how you’re dressed
or if your shoes match.
sleep…because
that is the window to your soul
and you know
who you are and what you want.

 

And I think you should sleep…because
that is when your thoughts come alive
your thoughts and feelings, yes the very ones that you had buried
deep, deep inside the darkest corner of your heart.
Sleep…because
suddenly, your life has meaning
you are in your truest form
unconscious, but yet so full of awareness
and your body,
it thanks you for the love and the peace.

 

Sleep…because
that is when you dream from your heart
you dream every dream
no you don’t analyse how it is
big or small, meaningful or meaningless, happy or not
you just dream
because every dream is in its purest form
Sleep…because
it gives you the courage you always lacked
and you dream
and you hope for your dreams to come true
if not all, then at least one.

 

Sleep…because
it stops your head from racing
temporary, but it is rare
it gives you the solace you sometimes crave
Sleep…because
it teaches you
that after every night,
there will always be another day.
Live  in the present, 
for just like your dreams,
the past, no matter how good or bad,
you will always forget.

Vipassana – An experience to remember!

Please note: This post is not written with an intention to give a detailed account of my experience of Vipassana. Not only is my experience very personal, but it is also inexplicable! Words cannot do justice to the beautiful time spent there.
Before deciding to go there, I had managed to read a few blog posts just to know others’ experience of the course.
Now, after having attended the course myself, I feel that many posts on the internet are not only misguiding, but also very discouraging.
However, I beg to differ. I write this post with an intention to share the beautiful experience with you as crisply as I possibly can, to clarify a few doubts that you may have about the course (my folks had plenty of doubts! So I’m guessing that others may have the same questions playing in their head, too) and to do my bit to encourage you to go for it in case you are planning to!

I know this comes in very late, almost a month after I attended my first vipassana meditation course. But then, better late than never!

Course duration: 10 days.
Location: Igatpuri

So now, first things first.

1. What is Vipassana?
Vipassana is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. It means to see things as they really are. It was rediscovered by Gautama Buddha more than 2500 years ago, and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills i.e. An art of living.
(source: www.dhamma.org)

 

2. Why did I decide to go there?
Well honestly, I didn’t go there for any particular reason. I just wanted a break from the monotony of my daily schedule and wanted to spend some time with myself.
Over the last year, I realised that I had such a hectic schedule and such a busy life, that I hardly spent time alone because I always had something or the other to do. I had begun to dread spending time alone. I couldn’t even think of spending time without my phone or a book to read or a movie to watch or the laptop. Basically, I hardly spent any time in solitude and neither did I see any chance of that condition improving anytime soon.
So my only trigger to attend the course was to experience living on my own without any connectivity with anyone else, without my phone, without any books and without anything else to do.
Some time alone, just with myself. Without having to bother about anything else.

 

3. My experience, in my words:

When I shared my plan of attending the 10 day course with a few friends, I got three kinds of reactions:
a) From those who had not attended the course before: “Why do you want to go for it? Sudden plan? Do you have any problem?”

b) From those who had attended the course: “It is a wonderful experience! You may feel like running away on the second or third day, but hang in there! You will absolutely love it! ”

c) From those who had not attended the course, but planned to attend it soon: “Go for it! But will you be able to live with absolutely no contact with anyone you know? Let me know how it was! I want to go, too!”

To begin with, for me, it was the best ten days of my life! The experience, in more ways than one, is inexplicable.

On Day 0 (the day of arrival at Igatpuri), I was pretty much blank. I didn’t know what the course was going to be like, I didn’t know anybody there and most importantly, I didn’t have any expectations from the course.  The no-expectation bit came from the fact that I didn’t go there with an intention to solve any physical/emotional problem or with any other pre-determined reason.

After having spent all my years in living the typical super-fast life of an average Mumbaikar, Day 1 made me feel like time had stopped! I remember looking at my watch at regular intervals, only to see time move at a snail’s pace! At the end of the day, I was so sure of one equation:  1 day in Igatpuri = 1 week in Mumbai. Yes, that’s how long the day was, in my opinion. I kept wondering how I’d pass the next 9 days if time had decided to go so slow.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, as I would later realize), Days 2 and 3 passed swiftly. I realized that I may have found Day 1 slow only because of the sudden change in routine. Days 2 and 3 were passed with dedicated practice and constantly being in a state of self-awareness.

It was on Day 4 that we were introduced to the technique of Vipassana. The remaining 6 days were spent in slowly understanding the technique more deeply and practicing it more diligently.
Of course, the end of each working day was marked with a 90 minute discourse from Shri S.N. Goenka-ji. Conducted in different languages (for the benefit of students coming from diverse backgrounds), these discourses gave us a deeper insight into the technique of Vipassana and the art of living.

So here’s my public reply to all the aforementioned reactions and concerns:
a) I didn’t go there to solve/cure any ‘problem’. You don’t have to be unwell or ill to go for vipassana! It is an art of living. A way of life! It is not a hospital to cure ailments and illnesses. You going there does not mean you have a problem! I went there to relax and to spend some time with the one person that I had always ignored all my life – myself. That’s it.

b) Yes, it was a wonderful experience and I did love it! Throughout Days 2 and 3, I kept waiting for the ‘I-want-to-run-away-from-here’ feeling to come to me, but it just didn’t! I was enjoying every moment in the beautiful campus and not once did I feel bored. No, not even for a second!

c) Yes, everyone should experience it at least once. I survived without my phone/book/laptop/internet/family/friends for 10 whole days. In fact, I did not miss any of them at all! By the end of the course, I almost forgot what my phone looked like, too! Which is good..because just like me, the phone also got some well deserved rest! 😉

 

4. The challenges I faced:
Honestly, there were none. The Assistant Professors (APs) were extremely knowledgeable and were always available for any help and guidance. They were open to discussion (we had special time slots arranged only for Q&A as well) and I managed to get all my doubts, concerns and questions answered.
Adjusting the body to the revised schedule (waking up at 4 am everyday) and to new eating habits (breakfast at 6.30 am, lunch at 11 am) took some efforts. But it was only a matter of a day, after which all was well!

 

5. What kept me motivated:
From the time the course began, I was sure of one thing: If I was investing 10 days of my time (missing work and without any contact with the family) in coming all the way to Igatpuri, then I’d much rather do the course properly. I made sure to follow all instructions and all rules as sincerely as I possibly could. Also, I was very determined to experience the benefits of the course. I knew for a fact that I just had to be there!
Also, a couple of friends had already the 10 day course before me. The fact that they completed their courses successfully much before me proved to be a major confidence booster!
Last but not the least, the weather! Having gone there in the last week of June, the weather was just perfect! The lush greenery, fog covered mountains, fresh air, beautiful rains and pleasant atmosphere only magnified the effect of all our meditation!

 

6. Some points to remember:

• The course instructions clearly mention that a Noble Silence has to be maintained through out the 10 days (Students are requested to maintain silence throughout the course and not interact with anybody other than the APs and Dhamma helpers).
  However, there are bound to be people who will talk amongst themselves and try talking to you as well. In interest of your own progress in the course, avoid talking.
  You will realize on Day 10, what a big difference it makes to maintain silence!
• A lot of people have concerns about the availability of food over there. You can absolutely trust me when I say that I loved the food! The food was not only healthy, but also very good to taste.
  Also, no restrictions on the quantity of food to be taken by each student. It is a buffet, and you can help yourself to as many servings as you want.
• The laundry service is excellent! Available at a nominal rate, the laundry service helped tremendously in the rains. Your laundry will be returned to you on the very next day – washed and ironed!
• You are allowed to carry and take your medicines, whenever required.
• 3 meals are available during the day for first time students – Breakfast, lunch and snacks. However, exceptional approval for dinner is provided to pregnant women and to students with a medical condition (on providing the AP with a medical certificate).
• Vipassana is only a meditation technique revived by Gautama Buddha. The concept of “Buddhism” is not propagated by him or any faculty at the Vipassana centre. In fact, for them, no such word exists.
  The teachings of Buddha are universal and non-sectarian i.e. they do not wish to convert anybody into any sect/religion/any other group.
  No such religion such as ‘Buddhism’ is recognised by the institute of Dhamma and neither does the institution intend to drive anybody away from their religion.
• Once there, you will realize that kind people do exist, even today. The Dhamma Sevikas (Dhamma Helpers) were so kind and so helpful! In spite of having to make so many arrangements for 300 odd students, all of them were always smiling and ever ready to help. I was so used to the arrogance and crudeness of the city, that I was left completely overwhelmed with the kindness and niceness that I saw there.
  You will realize that you always have an option, and the kinder you are, the more you make others happy and remain happy yourself!
• I would suggest, do not attend the course along with someone you already know (say, friends or siblings or parents).  This is my personal opinion. You need your space once there, and the presence of someone you know may just end up making you feel conscious or distract you.
• Among other things, I came back from the course feeling much more confident of myself, feeling very very happy, having overcome a lot of my fears and insecurities. Having faced a lot of testing times immediately after my return from the course, I was glad and surprised (pleasantly) at how I handled myself and family during trying times. I don’t think I would have been able to remain as strong and as composed as I did, had I not had the beautiful experience of Vipassana.
• All you need is discipline, determination and a desire to complete the course successfully. You will experience the benefits of the course for yourself!

 

 

PS: I would really want to thank my parents and brother from the bottom of my heart for being completely supportive of my decision and encouraging me, always.
I would also like to thank them for making sure that I enjoyed my experience! They did not call me up in spite of there being an emergency at home only so that I could have enjoy the benefits of Vipassana. Thank you! :’)

Another big, big thank you to my friends – Sneha (for helping me get an independent accommodation and for being super enthusiastic about my course) and Gnanesh (for always encouraging me and for coming all the way to drop me to Igatpuri!).

A big thank you to everyone else who helped me attend the course in any way whatsoever (that includes my boss for approving a massive 10 day leave! :P)
And…thank you, Universe!

PPS: If there is anything else that you would like to know about the course, please feel free to ask! Would be happy to help! Good luck! 🙂

Because every road will take you to a beautiful place 🙂